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The 7 Toxic Mind-sets of a People Pleaser

Drenda Keesee • March 20, 2019

Years ago, I was a bit of a chameleon.

No, I didn’t change colors, but I was constantly changing who I was to fit what I thought people wanted me to be. And, as the culture changed its idea of the “perfect” woman, I adapted to fit that image.

I’ll never forget standing in front of the mirror with angry tears streaming down my cheeks shouting, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!”

I felt like I could NEVER be enough for people. No matter what I did, or how hard I tried, I just fell short.

Thankfully, I learned a simple truth that brought me out of my people-pleasing prison.

You only need one person’s approval—God’s.

People pleasing can become such a deeply rooted pattern that it’s hard to recognize you’re even doing it. If you’re anything like, me, you’ve probably told yourself that you’re just being nice because it’s the right thing to do when, really, you’re letting yourself become a doormat for people who don’t have your best interests at heart.

That’s because our identities are in the wrong place.

We’re called to walk in love, but when we’re people pleasing, we are operating from a place of guilt, NOT love or obedience to God.

I learned how to stop living for the opinions of people the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

According to Counseling Recovery, here are the seven most common mind-sets of a people pleaser:

1. If I say no, you’ll be mad.

No isn’t a negative word, especially when your no allows you to say yes to something more important. There were many times Gary and I had to say no to friends, business appointments, and work calls so we could protect our family time. If somebody has your best interests at heart, they will understand that you can’t always say yes to their demands.

If you feel afraid to say no to somebody because they’ll be mad at you, that can be a good indication that it’s time to reevaluate and potentially end that relationship.

2. To be loved, I have to be who you want me to be.

This is a really good time to talk about why it’s so important to measure EVERYTHING against the Word of God. When you do a side-by-side comparison of different messages, it becomes very clear what is of God and what isn’t. Here’s an example:

A shark says: “There is something wrong with you. If you would just change, people would love you more.”

The Word of God says:

You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this. — Psalm 139:13-14 (GW)

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. — John 15:18-19 (NIV)

There will always be voices of criticism telling you that you are not good enough, but there is always one voice of eternal encouragement telling you, “You are loved, and you are my delight.”

Your success in life depends on which voice you let guide your choices.

3. If you would just change, everything would be great.

Often in relationships, people pleasers try to change other people to fit what they want them to be. In fact, some people spend years on wishful thinking instead of pursuing what they really deserve. We can’t control someone else’s actions or force them to change.

Stop waiting on someone else to be accountable for your happiness, and start asking yourself: What do I need to do to follow God’s path for my life?

4. I can’t leave you; no one else will want me.

No. No. NO.

This is exactly how the enemy gets you to settle. If you’re afraid to be yourself, you’ll spend your life trying to be someone else and become VERY unhappy in the process. You will surrender your dreams at the altar of fear. Let God’s genuine love cast out that fear; He is the only one who can make you whole.

You don’t live for identity; you live FROM identity. You are worthy.

5. I can’t ask for what I want, because that’s selfish.

You’re not a bad person for having needs! God created us with desires and dreams for our lives. People pleasing stops when you start honoring who you are and become unapologetic about what you need.

Philippians 4:19 (KJV) says, “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

6. I have to give up who I am so that we can be happy.

If you need to perform for someone’s love, it’s conditional , and that’s not real love. Go to God. Trust His will. His love is always unconditional.

7. If you’re upset, I must have done something wrong.

People pleasers often feel responsible for other people’s feelings and actions. They are all too eager to take on the blame to maintain the approval of someone else. This is dangerous, because sharks look for people like this—people who will assume accountability for their wrongdoing.

Be very cautious; difficult people will use this trait in good people to manipulate them.

Again, this comes back to how you see yourself as well as how you talk to yourself.

When you replace negative self-talk with godly encouragement, you will start to see yourself how Gods sees you.

I want to encourage you to keep swimming , and don’t give up on turning a people-pleasing mind-set around. God did it for me, and He can do it for you too! He wants you to be happy and to thrive in your purpose and passions, in spite of the sharks that are trying to intimidate you.

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To learn more about how to successfully deal with difficult people, check out Drenda’s newest book, Shark Proof: How to Deal with Difficult People !

We learned this skill the long, hard way, but you don’t have to.

“I know that this book is going to unlock the incredible principles that changed my life. I can’t wait for you to read it!” – Drenda

By Gary Keesee January 8, 2025
Reading Time 4 mins 39 secs – You know, every January, people talk about starting fresh—setting New Year’s resolutions and trying to reset their lives physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. And that’s great. But how many times have we found ourselves setting the same resolutions year after year, only to abandon them a few days, weeks, or a month later? This year, I want to challenge you to think differently. Instead of focusing only on what you want to achieve in 2025, let’s also take a hard look at what you need to leave behind in 2024. Sometimes, the biggest breakthroughs come not from what we gain but from what we let go of. Here are three things to leave behind as you step into God’s best for your life in 2025: 1. Insecurities Let’s talk about insecurity for a second. It’s a sneaky thief. It keeps you stuck, paralyzed, and doubting whether you’re capable of doing what God called you to do. Insecurity is not from God. It's the enemy’s tactic to rob you of your destiny. God made you on purpose, for a purpose, and He doesn’t make mistakes. Genesis 1:27 says you were created in His image. That means you have His DNA—His creativity, power, and potential—inside of you. Stop comparing yourself to someone else’s highlight reel. Stop trying to fix yourself with things that don’t matter—more stuff, more status, or other people’s opinions. God has already given you everything you need to walk confidently into your calling. Here’s what to do: Spend time reminding yourself what God says about you. When insecurity tries to creep in, stand firm on the Word of God. Write down affirmations based on Scripture, and speak them out loud! Your words carry power. Be confident in this truth: God chose you for this moment, this season, and this purpose. Let 2025 be the year you leave insecurity in the rearview mirror. You have too much ahead to let fear hold you back. 2. Complaining I’m going to be real with you: complaining is one of the fastest ways to keep yourself stuck. It focuses all your energy on what’s wrong instead of what God’s doing. And the Bible makes it clear: “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21a, NIV). What are you speaking over your life? Complaining doesn’t just create negativity; it’s a mindset. When you constantly dwell on the problems, you miss the solutions God is already providing. So, what’s the alternative? Gratitude. Gratitude is a weapon. It shifts your focus and aligns your thinking with God’s promises. Here’s how to flip the script: Start a gratitude list. Write down three things you’re thankful for every day. Train your mind to focus on what God is doing, not what isn’t going right. Catch yourself. When you start to complain, pause and say, “What can I be grateful for in this moment?” Get perspective. Ask yourself, “Is this going to matter a year from now?” Most of the time, the things we complain about aren’t worth the energy. When you retrain your mind to focus on the good, you’ll find that joy and strength naturally follow. The Bible says, “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10b, NIV). Let’s lean into that joy in 2025. 3. Toxic Relationships We’ve all been there. Relationships can be a blessing, but some relationships weigh you down, pull you away from God’s plan, and drain your energy. Toxic relationships aren’t just in romantic settings. They can show up in friendships, family, or work environments too. If someone is constantly pulling you away from your purpose, making you question your worth, or keeping you from stepping into God’s best, it’s time to set some boundaries. And listen: this doesn’t mean cutting off people entirely. Boundaries don’t mean you stop loving people. They mean you stop letting their dysfunction control your life. Ask yourself: Is this relationship pushing me closer to God or pulling me away? Does this person consistently build me up, or do they tear me down? When you let go of relationships that aren’t aligned with where God is taking you, you make space for the right people—people who will encourage you, challenge you, and grow with you. I’m Sure You Can Think of More Things to Leave Behind… This list is just a starting point. Maybe for you, it’s leaving behind procrastination, negative thoughts, or the fear of failure. Maybe it’s doubt, pride, or the need to control everything. Whatever it is, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself: What’s holding me back from stepping into the life God has for me? We all have things we’ve been carrying for far too long—things that don’t belong in the next chapter of our lives. This year, don’t just focus on what you’re reaching for; get intentional about what you’re letting go of. There’s power in leaving behind what no longer (or never did) serve God’s purpose for you. Stepping Into 2025 Here’s the good news: You don’t have to navigate this alone. God didn’t design you to do life by yourself. Surround yourself with people who will speak life into you, remind you of God’s promises, and stand with you in faith. You won’t always get it right—and that’s okay. Nobody succeeds at everything all the time. But when you fall, God’s grace is there to pick you back up. He’s cheering you on, and so are Drenda and I. As we move forward into 2025, let’s leave behind insecurity, complaining, and toxic relationships. Instead, let’s embrace God’s truth, walk in gratitude, and surround ourselves with the right people.  This is your year to step boldly into what God has called you to do. Let’s make it count.
By Gary Keesee December 11, 2024
Reading Time 6 mins 37 secs – What does “peace” look like for you? An illustrated children’s book that came out years ago told the story of an elephant mom who just wanted “five minutes’ peace” away from her energetic elephant children. For her, “peace” meant escaping alone to a warm bath with something to read, a cup of tea, some cake, and no interruptions. But in the end, she barely managed to get three minutes and forty-five seconds of the peace she sought. (And moms everywhere can probably relate to that.) Everyone’s definition of “peace” is different. For some people, peace does mean finally getting five minutes alone, but for others, it means being surrounded by family and friends. For others, finding peace means a getaway or a vacation, reaching a certain point financially, traveling less for a job, traveling more for a job, living closer to family, living farther from family, laying under the stars, feeling settled in a decision… the list is truly endless. If you had asked me years ago what peace looked like for me, I probably would’ve told you that it looked like getting out of the financial black hole I was in. But there was even more to it than that. You may have heard our backstory, but when Drenda and I got married, we were broke. I made money. I just didn’t make enough. Everything we had was used, broken, or worn out. We owed a lot of people a lot of money. Yes, we loved God. We really, truly loved God. I had an Old Testament degree, and we even led praise and worship at our church, but fear was my middle name. Everything that happened that required money set off emotional fires. I was having panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep at night. I had no peace. You may have also heard me tell a story about a time I had a tooth infection during those chaotic years, a really painful tooth infection. It was so painful that I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t think straight. To fight the pain, I took two Tylenol every four hours for several days in a row. One night, I was up trying to cope with the pain when I decided to read the Tylenol box for some reason. You can probably guess what happened. I read on the box that you’re not supposed to take Tylenol as frequently as I had been taking it. And that’s when fear really set in. OH NO, GARY! YOU’VE TAKEN TOO MUCH! I called Poison Control and told them I had taken two tablets of Tylenol too many for the last three days. The girl on the other end of the line said, “We have never had someone live that took that dosage. Either you drive yourself to the hospital, or I’m sending an ambulance after you right now.” No, I’m not kidding. She actually said that, and I actually believed her. So there I was in complete fear and panic, and I drove myself to the hospital. When I got to the emergency room, two guys were pacing back and forth out front, waiting for me. When I walked in, my name was already on the dry-erase board. It said, “Keesee—overdose.” Obviously, I didn’t overdose. In fact, a doctor came in after they ran a bunch of tests and asked me why I was even there. He said, “You don’t even have enough Tylenol in your system to cure a headache.” Yes, it’s funny now, but it sure wasn’t in the moment. My issue, however, was way bigger than a Tylenol scare. I was desperately trying to survive financially, emotionally, and even physically. I couldn’t seem to find peace, no matter how hard I tried. I know I’m not the only one who has been there. People are always looking for peace. There’s the mom whose kids keep fighting, the businessman with an unstable career, the young woman on antidepressants, the teenage boy on drugs, the couple that can’t ever agree on their finances, the grandmother who can’t sleep at night because she’s worrying about her family—they’re all hungry for peace. The world is hungry for peace. People will spend a lot of money and time searching for peace. We buy things, try to find moments, or strive to achieve something because we believe those things, moments, or achievements will bring peace. But peace can’t be found in any thing, place, or achievement. The word “peace” in Hebrew is “shalom,” which means wholeness, completeness, harmony, prosperity, welfare, security, and tranquility . Nothing is missing, and nothing is broken. It’s freedom from the distress experienced as a result of sin. Peace covers all of that. Jesus came to give us true peace. In John 14:27, Jesus tells the disciples that He’s leaving, but He’s leaving His peace with them. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” —John 14:27 (KJV) Can you imagine what the disciples were thinking and saying? He can’t leave! He calmed the storm when we were on the boat! But He always knows how to calm our fears! He helped us understand priorities and what life was about! Every time we were afraid, He gave us courage! He healed so many and raised them from the dead! We can’t be confident without Him around! Do you remember when He told us how to pay our taxes? What are we going to do?!? You and I probably would have reacted the same way. After all, if you had one person to go to who had all the answers for every situation, who could calm your fears, and who could calm the storms in your life with just one word, how do you think you’d react if they said they were leaving you? Jesus said, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” because the disciples WERE troubled and afraid. Jesus was their peace. They didn’t know how to function without Him, or at least they thought they didn’t. But Jesus was trying to tell them He was leaving them a great gift. Yes, He was the Prince of Peace, but He had peace because of what He had on the inside—the Holy Spirit. And He told them, “My peace (Holy Spirit) I give to you.” The Holy Spirit is the One who counseled Jesus. Jesus walked by the power and peace of the Holy Spirit. Acts 10:38 tells us that Jesus was anointed by God. Jesus was one with the Father and could hear His voice. And He passed that on to YOU and ME . In John 14:26, Jesus says: “But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.” —John 14:26 (KJV) See that? God is the God of Peace because He’s the God of answers . He has given us the Holy Spirit, who knows exactly how to handle every situation. The Bible calls Him a “Comforter.” To comfort doesn’t mean to console, hug, and show your love for someone. What comforts you when you’re sick? Healing . What comforts you when you need money? Money . What comforts you when you need answers? Answers . Friend, the search for peace is over. You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both inclination and character], because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation]. —Isaiah 26:3 (AMP) You DO have someone to go to who has every answer for every situation in your life . One who will calm your fears and the storms in your life and One who says He will never leave or forsake you.
By Gary Keesee November 13, 2024
Reading Time 5 mins 10 secs – They didn’t know the water they had been drinking, bathing in, and cooking with was packed with poisonous chemicals and carcinogens. But then the symptoms started to surface. You’ve probably heard at least one news story about contaminated water. A million marines, sailors, and their families were exposed to carcinogens after the military allegedly dumped fuel and cleaning agents near two drinking wells in Camp Lejeune, which is in Jacksonville, North Carolina, from the 1950s through the 1980s. So many people were sick and dying in Hinkley, California, that the small town is now nearly nonexistent. More than 400,000 residents from the greater Milwaukee area were infected, and 100 people died after bacteria that causes gastrointestinal illnesses invaded the water supply—making it the largest documented waterborne disease outbreak in U.S. history. Come on, Gary. Where are you going with this? (Stick with me. There is a really good spiritual point coming.) I’ve done an illustration during weekend services at Faith Life Church several times where I asked for a volunteer who would like to make a quick $20 or silver coin to help me. I asked one woman who had raised her hand to come up front, and I opened a brand-new bottle of water and asked her to take a drink. She did. Then, I told her I was going to add something to her bottle of water—a sample of water from a dirty pond behind our church building. The water was nasty! Then I asked her to drink it. Of course, she refused. And, of course, I still gave her the $20. The point was made though. No one wants to knowingly drink contaminated water. But without knowing it, many people are. Here’s where I stop talking about water contamination and start talking about the things that might be contaminating your soul, your mind, your body—your LIFE. Because the culture is out to get you—to contaminate you—“to make you impure by exposure to or addition of a poisonous or polluting substance.” Satan is out to get you—to contaminate you. He is set on killing, stealing, and destroying you (John 10:10). Are you unknowingly drinking the “contaminated water”? I love this illustration our son Tim once gave using the game of Jenga. Have you ever played it? Basically, you have a big tower of blocks that have been stacked in opposite directions to allow pieces to be poked at and pulled out one by one without having the tower collapse. Only you have to stack the blocks you’ve pulled out on top of the tower, which means the block tower gets more and more unstable as the game goes on, because it’s getting taller and balancing on less and less stable blocks. At some point during the game, the tower collapses. Some of us are building our lives like that. We think we’re building this strong tower day after day and year after year. But Luke 22:31 tells us that Satan desires to sift us as wheat. Too often, we forget we’re in a spiritual battle, and we don’t take the spiritual adversary we have seriously. All of our lives, we’ve seen too many TV shows and cartoons that downplay the enemy as some creepy guy with horns and a red cape. But Satan is alive and demons are real, and they don’t want to see you prosper and live the destiny God has for you. Satan wants you to fail. So, he’s always looking for loose blocks to poke and pull at—those little areas of your life that aren’t so sturdy and stable, those little areas that are contaminated—in his effort to make your whole tower collapse. And he knows he doesn’t have to come at your tower of blocks with a full-on wrecking ball. That’s why the Bible tells us to watch out for the little foxes. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom. —Song of Solomon 2:15 Here’s the thing: Satan uses a lot of little foxes, a lot of tactics, to try to trick us out of our dominion. He knows that faith—your heart being in agreement with heaven—is the currency of the Kingdom. And he knows that if your heart holds on to the Word, it’s going to produce. He also knows that it’s imperishable, and it’s always going to produce after its own kind. Guess what? He doesn’t like that. He claims this place as his. So, he has tactics he uses to get you to agree with him—to contaminate your life with what he says instead of what God says. And he’s pretty sly. He takes a little bit of the principle of God, a little bit of the Word of God, and twists it. He uses it to deceive, to contaminate. But if we know the truth, we can discern for ourselves. But if you don’t know the truth, as Satan works on knocking out loose block after loose block, there will be more openings in your tower, more places for him to get a foothold, more opportunities for him to make the whole structure—your whole life—more rickety and ready for collapse. And that’s the point. Satan is after your fruitfulness. He’s after your assignment. He’s after your purpose. He doesn’t want you to be useful to the Kingdom of God. He wants to prevent you from being a demonstration of the Kingdom of God to other people. So, he keeps going after your heart. Just drink this little bit of contaminated water. It won’t hurt you. Our culture, the earth curse system, is full of perverse ideas that they say won’t harm you. That’s a lie. What you think about, what you feed yourself, and what you look at all put images into your heart, for good or for bad. If you’re contaminating your heart, it’s going to be drawn away and produce what you’re putting into it. You have to CHOOSE to turn your ears to the Word of God and CHOOSE to guard your heart, or you’ll begin to buy into the lies that the enemy and our culture are constantly screaming at us.
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