Win the Person, Not the Debate
Gary Keesee • December 17, 2019
Enjoy this special guest post from my friend, Dave Anderson.
Yes, you do want to win the person.
In this emotionally charged age of liberal versus conservative; atheist versus believer, or pro-this versus anti-that, it’s easy to get so caught up in rhetoric, invective, and the belief that he who talks the loudest and longest wins the debate that you can lose sight of the what I believe is a more relevant objective than winning the argument; winning the person.
And I’m not just referring to the person with whom you’re having differences but also winning those who witness the exchange.
This is why, when watching a news show where there are “experts” on both sides of an issue interrupting one another— shouting out zingers and elevating a normal speaking tone to a series of hysterical shrieks—I change the channel so that whatever intelligence I have left isn’t insulted further.
To be a more effective proponent for causes you are passionate about when you come face-to-face with someone who believes otherwise, I’d like to share some wisdom gleaned from the book Hell? Yes! by Dr. Robert Jeffress.
Influencing vs. silencing
Remember that the goal is to keep the dialogue going with the other person, not to shut him or her down.
People with strong personalities and rhetorical ability think that if they can silence their opponents they’ve won the argument. But any married person knows that’s not the case. If you’re having a disagreement with your spouse, it’s easy through intimidation or insult to cause them to disengage from the discussion. But you haven’t persuaded your spouse of anything, except that you’re a jerk.
For too many people, silencing, rather than influencing has been a primary tactic when discussing sensitive issues like abortion, politics, religion, and the like.
But no one is really heard or understood. The debate diminishes into cheap shots and name calling and the lines separating two sides become a gulf.
Take steps to win the person.
1. Engage with those who hold opposing points of view.
This was a key principle Jesus Christ used for winning people instead of just winning arguments. Jesus went to some places where he was not particularly popular, because to “catch fish” He had to go where the fish were. His goal was not isolation but influence.
2. Listen to other people’s stories.
The way to influence others is not by cornering them and then dumping your own “stuff” on them. Rather than unload your spiritual or political dump truck of arguments and answers to unasked questions, carefully listen to the other person you’re trying to influence. It is only after they feel understood that they’ll be willing to understand.
3. Let your walk speak louder than your talk.
A debater’s goal is to win the argument. A disciple’s goal is to win the person.
Far too many people who share my own Christian faith have learned that they can win a war of words but still lose the war over someone’s soul by being unnecessarily harsh and judgmental. Many non-Christians have rejected the Gospel not because of the offense of the Gospel, but because of the offensiveness of Christians.
I might be persuaded to become a Christian…..if I ever met one. – Gandhi
Arthur Burns was a Washington power broker who served in prominent governmental positions from the 1960’s through the 1980’s. He was a counselor and confidant to a number of U.S. presidents during his career. Arthur Burns was also Jewish.
That is why his regular attendance at a weekly Bible study and prayer meeting at the White House in the 1970’s was a surprise to many. Although he was warmly welcomed, different members of the group who took turns leading the meetings never called on him to pray.
One week, however, a newcomer leading the group asked Arthur Burns to close in prayer. The other members shot nervous glances at one another, wondering how Burns would respond to this awkward situation. Burns never hesitated. Instead, he joined hands with the others in the group, bowed his head, and prayed:
Lord I pray that you would bring Jews to know Jesus Christ. I pray that you would bring Muslims to know Jesus Christ. Finally, Lord, I pray that you would bring “Christians” to know Jesus Christ. Amen.
The Samaritan woman at the well was ultimately drawn to a Person, not to a dogma. When she ran into the city to tell people what had happened to her, she did not shout, “Come and listen to these ideas that have change my mind”, but “Come see a Man who has changed my life!”
Winning an argument is a tactic. Winning the person is a strategy.
Tactics win battles. Strategies win wars.
Reading Time 5 mins 08 secs – Faith does not usually disappear all at once. It happens slowly. A little distraction here. A little neglect there. A few days without feeding on the Word of God. A few moments of fear left unchecked. Before long, you may still remember what faith felt like, but you are no longer living from that place. That is what spiritual atrophy looks like. In the natural, muscles weaken when they are not used. You may remember being strong. You may remember what you used to carry or accomplish. But when the moment comes to use that strength again, you realize something has changed. The same thing can happen spiritually. You can remember the Scriptures. You can remember past victories. You can know the right things to say. But faith is more than repeating words. Faith is agreement with heaven. More Than Saying the Right Words Jesus said in Mark 11:23 that whoever speaks to the mountain and does not doubt in his heart will have what he says. The issue is not only what comes out of your mouth. The issue is also what your heart truly believes. Many people say, “My faith is weak.” But often, the real issue is unbelief. Jesus said faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain (Matthew 17:20). That means the problem is not the size of your faith. If faith is present, heaven has jurisdiction. Faith is not pretending everything is fine while fear still dominates your thinking. True faith is becoming so persuaded by God’s Word that His truth feels more real than the circumstance standing in front of you. The question is this: Are you in agreement with God’s Word? Or has fear, disappointment, or a past failure painted a different picture inside of you? The Enemy Works Through Pictures Fear always tries to create an image. A bad report. A painful memory. A failed attempt. A worst-case scenario. The enemy wants you to meditate on what could go wrong until fear feels more real than God’s promise. But every promise from God carries a picture too. Healing carries a picture. Provision carries a picture. Peace carries a picture. Victory carries a picture. If the picture inside you does not match what heaven says, your thinking has to be renewed. That only happens through the Word of God. Build Your Foundation Before the Storm Jesus said the wise man built his house on the rock. When the storm came, the house stood firm because it had a foundation. The storm is not the time to begin building. Do not wait until sickness comes to search for healing Scriptures. Do not wait until pressure hits your finances to learn how God’s Kingdom works. Build now. Meditate on the Word now. Mark 4 teaches us that the Word is seed. When it is planted in your heart, it grows over time. First the stalk, then the head, then the full grain. Faith grows the same way. As you continue feeding on truth, what God says becomes more real than what circumstances say. What Comes Out First Reveals Your Foundation When pressure suddenly hits, the first words out of your mouth often reveal what you truly believe. Fear speaks quickly. But faith speaks with authority. If fear has been leading your thoughts lately, do not live condemned. Recognize where you are and go back to the Word. Strengthen what has grown weak. Let truth become alive inside you again. Because when you are fully persuaded, you stop wrestling with whether God will do what He promised. You simply stand. You Can Start Fresh Today God’s mercies are new every morning. That means yesterday does not have the final word over your life. You are not trapped by past failures, past disappointments, or seasons where you felt spiritually dry. God is not asking you to live off old victories or old encounters with Him. He invites you to walk with Him daily, to be renewed daily, and to grow stronger daily. You are not stuck in spiritual weakness. Faith can be rebuilt. Strength can return. Your confidence in God can grow again. The same way muscles strengthen through consistent exercise and nourishment, your spirit becomes strong when it is continually fed with truth. Every moment spent in God’s Word is building something inside of you. Even when you cannot immediately see it, the seed is growing. You can renew your mind. You can rebuild your foundation. You can feed your spirit until faith rises again and God’s promises become more real to you than fear, pressure, or uncertainty. The enemy may look for an opportune time, but you do not have to live vulnerable or unprepared. When your life is built on the Word, you are not easily shaken by bad reports, changing circumstances, or unexpected pressure. You know where your confidence comes from. Build your life on truth. Stay spiritually nourished. Guard what you allow into your heart and mind. Listen to the Holy Spirit, and follow His direction day by day. And when pressure comes, you will not collapse under it. You will stand firm, anchored in the promises of God and confident that He is faithful to finish what He started in you. A Simple Prayer Father, Thank You for Your Word and for teaching me how Your Kingdom operates. Show me where fear, unbelief, or wrong thinking has taken root in my heart. Help me renew my mind and become fully persuaded of Your promises. Strengthen my faith, guide me by Your Spirit, and teach me to stand firmly on Your truth. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.
Reading Time 4 mins 25 secs – Fear feels real. It talks loudly. It paints pictures. It rehearses worst-case scenarios. And if you do not know how to stop it, it will try to script your future before you ever get there. But fear is not truth. Fear is not fact. And through God’s Word, you can live free from it. Scripture says plainly, “ Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me” (Psalm 23:4a, NIV). Notice that carefully. It does not say fear is unavoidable. It does not say anxiety is your permanent condition. It does not say torment is part of your identity. It says, I will fear no evil. That means freedom from fear is possible. Fear Works Through Images Fear often begins with a thought, but it does not stop there. It immediately tries to form a picture. The doctor says something concerning, and fear paints the ending. The bank account drops, and fear paints the ending. A symptom shows up, and fear paints the ending. A problem hits your family, and fear paints the ending. That is how the enemy works. He presents an image and tries to convince you it is reality. But just because something enters your mind does not mean it is true. Fear is an imagination. It is an illusion. It may feel convincing, but that does not make it a fact. The enemy wants you to meditate on what could go wrong. God calls you to stand on what He said. The Real Battle Is at the Root Fear is often treated like the main problem. But fear is really a symptom. Like a fever in the body, it points to something deeper that needs attention. The deeper issue is what you believe. If fear keeps dominating your thoughts, then somewhere a lie has been accepted as truth. That is why the answer is not just trying harder to calm down. The answer is renewing your mind. You must identify the lie. Then you must replace it with truth. Second Corinthians 10:5 reminds us that we are to cast down imaginations and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. That means you do not let fearful thoughts sit in your mind and build a home there. You reject them. You replace them. You do not fight fear by admiring it, analyzing it, or entertaining it. You fight fear by confronting it with truth. What You Are Anchored to Matters Life will always present moments that seem dangerous, uncertain, or impossible. The question is not whether you will face pressure. The question is what you are anchored to when pressure comes. If your confidence is anchored to circumstances, you will always feel unstable. Circumstances change. Reports change. Emotions change. But God’s Word does not change. Truth can hold you. Just as a climber trusts the anchor that keeps him from falling, you must learn to trust the promises of God more than the pictures fear is trying to show you. When your life is anchored to truth, fear loses its power to dominate your thinking. Renewing Your Mind Changes What Feels Possible There was a time when many things people now accept with confidence would have seemed impossible. Flight looked impossible. Certain athletic feats looked impossible. What changed? Knowledge. Training. Repetition. Confidence in a higher law. In the same way, many believers still live under the assumption that fear is normal, fear is wise, fear is protective, or fear is just part of life. But God’s Kingdom operates differently. In Romans 12:2a (NIV), it says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Transformation does not happen by accident. It happens when you retrain your thinking with truth. The world trains people to expect loss, danger, failure, sickness, and defeat. God trains His people to expect His faithfulness, His promises, His strength, and His victory. If you keep feeding on fear, fear will feel natural. If you feed on truth, freedom will become normal. You Must Replace the Picture You cannot simply tell yourself not to think about something. You must replace the wrong picture with the right one. If fear says, “This will destroy you,” answer with what God says. If fear says, “You are going under,” answer with what God says. If fear says, “You will never recover,” answer with what God says. Truth is the antidote. When God promises healing, provision, peace, protection, and victory, those promises carry pictures. They are meant to shape your imagination. Too many people meditate on everything that can go wrong. But faith grows when you meditate on what God has already said in His Word. The enemy wants your imagination captured by fear. God wants your imagination renewed by truth. Your Future Does Not Belong to Fear Many people have lived so long under fear that they assume it will always define them. It will not. You can be free. Your life does not have to be governed by fear of sickness. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of lack. Fear of loss. Fear of the future. God did not create you to live tormented. He created you to live in His Kingdom, under His rule, with His peace, and in the confidence of His promises. The future belongs to those who believe what God says more than what fear suggests. So, start again. Open your Bible. Find out who you really are. Train your mind in truth. Reject the lie. Hold onto His promises. And refuse to let fear write a story God never wrote for you. A Simple Prayer Father, Thank You for not giving me a spirit of fear. Thank You for giving me power, love, and a sound mind. Help me recognize every lie the enemy tries to plant in my thoughts. Teach me to renew my mind with Your Word and to reject every imagination that rises against the truth of who You are and who I am in Christ. Strengthen me to stand on Your promises, speak with authority, and live in the freedom You have given me. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.
Reading Time 4 mins 40 secs – If you want to see your future, take a look at your friends. Scripture says plainly, “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV). That’s not a suggestion. That’s a warning. And the deception is thinking your good character will automatically change the people around you. Sometimes it can. But often, it’s the other way around. Who speaks into your life matters. Who challenges you matters. Who flatters you matters. Who you follow matters. All of it shapes where you end up. The Deception About Influence Many people fall into what’s called false responsibility. They want someone else’s success more than that person wants it for themselves. They believe they can fix, carry, or rescue someone who isn’t willing to change. You must understand something clearly: God sends people, and the enemy sends people. Not every opportunity is from God. Not every relationship is divinely aligned. One of the clearest warning signs is constant flattery. When someone continually builds you up without ever challenging you, pay attention. Flattery often hides motive. That’s why you must judge your friendships carefully. Fear Is Contagious, and So Is Courage Before Israel went into battle, Moses gave a striking instruction: if someone was afraid or faint-hearted, send them home. Why? Because fear spreads. Fear talks. Doubt talks. Unbelief talks. But courage talks too. Faith talks too. Vision talks too. The people around you will either magnify the obstacle or magnify the promise. They will either rehearse what could go wrong or remind you what God said. Choose wisely. Proof That Who You Follow Changes You After David defeated Goliath, King Saul pursued him. David escaped to a cave. Not a palace, not a resort—a cave. And 400 men followed him. The Bible describes them as distressed, in debt, and discontented. That doesn’t sound like leadership material. But something changed. Those same men became David’s mighty men of valor. They performed exploits. They accumulated wealth. They became strong, disciplined warriors. What happened? They followed someone who carried covenant confidence. They followed faith instead of fear. And they were transformed. Who you follow will change you, either for good or for worse. The Cost of the Wrong Circle You don’t have to make the wrong decision yourself to feel the consequences of being in the wrong environment. Association carries weight. When you attach yourself to people who are reckless, careless, or spiritually drifting, their choices begin to affect your direction. Influence is subtle at first. It doesn’t feel dangerous. It feels normal. Comfortable. Accepted. But over time, conversations shape thinking. Thinking shapes decisions. Decisions shape outcomes. That’s why Scripture says not to be deceived. The drift rarely feels dramatic in the beginning. It feels gradual. You may never intend to compromise your standards. You may never plan to move away from your convictions. But proximity has power. What you tolerate eventually influences what you participate in. This is not about isolation. It’s about discernment. You can love everyone. You can minister to anyone. But you must be wise about who has consistent access to your life. Because you don’t have to commit the act to feel the consequence of the association. Choose your circle carefully. Not Everyone Qualifies for Close Access There are people you minister to. There are people you love. There are people you encourage. But not everyone qualifies to be your close companion. Ezra warned Israel not to make treaties of friendship with those whose practices would corrupt them. The principle still applies: don’t make agreements with influences that pull you away from God. There are relationships you need to: Increase Maintain Or discontinue And you must discern which is which. The righteous choose their friends carefully. What Healthy Friendship Looks Like The right people in your life will: Encourage your walk with God Strengthen your faith Uphold your marriage and family Believe in you Challenge you past your comfort zone Correct you when you’re wrong A true friend will tell you the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. An enemy flatters. A friend sharpens. If no one in your life can correct you, you’re vulnerable. Hold Unswervingly Hebrews instructs us to hold unswervingly to the hope we profess and to encourage one another toward love and good deeds. “Unswervingly” means steady. Unwavering. Not drifting. The right friendships help you stay steady. The wrong ones slowly pull you off course, usually so gradually you don’t notice until you’re far from where you intended to be. Make a decision: as for you and your house, you will serve the Lord. And build your circle around that decision. A Simple Prayer Father, Thank You for guiding my steps and ordering my relationships. Give me wisdom to choose my circle carefully. Help me discern the voices that strengthen my faith and the ones that pull me away. Surround me with people who challenge me, correct me, and encourage me to follow You fully. Give me courage to walk away from anything that hinders my walk with You. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Amen.